Speculations

A fearsome flash revealed a dreadful sight,

And I pushed it away with all my might,

It still persisted, with the agonising pain

And I knew it would leave a 'dark' stain!

A saddist, a pesimist, a depressed soul

A person without hope, without a goal!

I have heard so much about myself now

That all i do is 'take a bow!'

All I do is look at the mirror and smile

At all that i believed all this while.

I feel happy that atleast I dreamt well;

So what if I woke up in Hell!

At least in my dreams i saw Paradise;

And now, for me it would be wise

To accept it all and move along

To find 'my place'; where I 'belong'.

With all my heart i try to achieve this

But in the very beginning, it is all amiss!

As my heart was the curse; in a state of mess.

And there is where lied all my weakness

Only if I had used my 'mind',

I might have succeded, to realise what I attempted to find.

Today I have even left hope of finding myself!

Of finding that peace; that solitude; a place where i might dwell...

Call me a saddist, a curse, a pesimist, intolerable; but

I am, and will be this; because doors of change have all been shut!

Reality Strikes Again!!!

Am I a man or a machine?

Can I not have emotions?

Why is it difficult to understand me?

Understand my feelings and their erosions…

Have I ever forced anyone

To go against their heart?

Why then do I suffer this fate

That too from people close to my heart?

Why is it my fault always

And never an understanding from their side?

Why, in spite of living with people I love

To cry, I cover my face and hide?

Some relations I nurtured with love and care,

And today those relations have pushed me away;

To them, I have shared my life as an open book

But now they are but happy when I am away…

They go off to places, and never ask a word

They arrive at conclusions without hearing my part

They call me selfish, and curse me from their heart

They close their doors, and through me apart

The relations I nurtured with love and care

And held close to my heart;

Those very relations are away from me

And I am alone, as I was in the start!

The saddest part is looking across

And finding a loved and nurtured relation,

Throw me away from his life

As a dirt, a curse, a despised creation!

When that very relation was my support

My pillar in times of agony and trouble,

A friend who knows everything about me,

An umbrella to rain and stones’ rumble!

A person who knew me before I spoke

Who understood me as my friends back home;

Whose side, I didn’t leave come whatever may,

Even he knows that for him I sustained in a ‘dome’!

Everyone have their reasons for whatever they do,

But I would have never told him to bow for me,

I know how it is when you are insulted

But you can do nothing, and let it be!

I thought at least he would support me,

He would understand what made me react,

And would be my side at all times

This I believed as God, as any real fact!

My hallucination is broken, and I am awake

And for him, I will even bow!

Maybe, someday, he will appreciate me for this,

And in this I will believe; through whatever; ‘somehow’!!!

The Fall and The Fight Back...

Shaking floor and shivering cold

Woke me up from my deep sleep

I looked around to find help

I could see nothing as the darkness was blinding deep

I panicked and awaited

For terror to show its face

I knew a storm had reached my door

And I knew that it would leave its’ trace.

I knew that I would face the horror again

The horror I had faced a few years back

I knew that it would be as difficult as it was then

To bring my life back in the track

Suddenly the door banged open

And dust and storm swept me away

Away from that dream that I was dreaming

To a known but painful way.

Everything sweet started tasting sour

Every smile looked like a frown

Many dreams shattered on the floor

All the hands only pulled me down.

Fighting my way through that maze

I tried my best to find my way back

I only found many more mazes

Drifting me away from my track.

The goal was not far, neither near,

It was just blurring from the dust

All the strings were breaking

Life was moving away, and fast!

A drop of tear rolled down my cheek,

But I wiped it as fast as I could

As this drop would show my defeat

When, in that war, I still firmly stood.

I had to keep on fighting

Against that truth of life and its trace

I had to show that I was not a failure

I still firmly held on my place.

I knew that the storm was not a dream

It was rather a wake-up call

To wake me up from my dream

Before I could trip and fall.

I knew that there were many people

Who still believed in me and my worth

I knew that I still had time to show

Who I was and what was my worth.

All the sarcasm and all the laughter

Were but helping my determination

I was preparing to fight my way

Through that road; a Satan’s creation.

I had walked then and I will walk now

I will make my mark again

I will not fall prey to the agonies of useless satire

I will overcome this too, beyond the accompanied pain.